I have discovered, just recently, that I face many hurdles.
With a faith in myself to be able to get through each one, I face this journey.
Faith to see the positive, faith to see the negative and try to turn it into a
positive; faith to know which hurdles I have to face alone and those which I
will face with my circle of friends; to learn to acknowledge the difference and
ask for help when I don't have the courage to face it on my own. Faith to know
what I can change and what I cannot; courage to face what I cannot change and
learn to live with that, learning which obstacles I have to take responsibility
for and giving back the onus of many other obstacles to their owners.
What I face now does not compare with shopping lists, what
clothes I might wear today, those who are or are not here to support me. What I
face is my own mortality, staring down the barrel of a gun, wondering if it is
loaded. I can face this loaded gun because there is an option, although scary,
the only option left to me. The loaded gun I stare into is a soul destroying
disease called Cystic Fibrosis, it is insidious, it is relentless but it also
makes me who I am - it does not define me. I can continue to fight to live but
my fight is pointless when Cystic Fibrosis makes me a prisoner in my own body;
to comprehend that fine line when Cystic Fibrosis has become the definition of
you, because it controls everything you can and cannot do. It can never take
away a will to live, but it takes away most of what modern medicine can offer
for any relief and makes a mockery of the effort you put in to win against such
a formidable foe.
My story now changes as I face a new chapter in my life;
without medical intervention, a double lung transplant, I can no longer fight
to survive this disease. I have to realise that I have not failed myself. My
dogged fight has brought me this far and although the next chapter is ominous,
I believe it can bring me through the next chapter, as long as I continue to
fight; as long as I replace negativity with positivity at every turn; take the
hands which are outstretched to pick me up, to smile in the face of adversity
and do what I have done best my entire life - to fight for something better, to
fight for life because it is precious and should not be taken for granted. To
know that I can do this, with the people who choose to take this journey with
me, to forgive those who choose not to be a part of my journey because of their
own fears, and to acknowledge that this has nothing to do with anything I
failed to do.
To believe in the strength that has brought me through each
hurdle I have faced, and to know when I cannot find that strength, others will
find it for me and remind me of it.
Often I feel like this is a journey I have to face alone as
most people cannot even begin to fathom it; the fear, the disappointment; I
also know I have to have faith in the people who stand alongside me, with no
knowledge of the path we travel but with a united front; to make sure I have
all I need and more, in the form of love, words, support and an undying faith
in my strength - that which, I often think fails me when I need it most.
