Faith and Fight

I have discovered, just recently, that I face many hurdles. With a faith in myself to be able to get through each one, I face this journey. Faith to see the positive, faith to see the negative and try to turn it into a positive; faith to know which hurdles I have to face alone and those which I will face with my circle of friends; to learn to acknowledge the difference and ask for help when I don't have the courage to face it on my own. Faith to know what I can change and what I cannot; courage to face what I cannot change and learn to live with that, learning which obstacles I have to take responsibility for and giving back the onus of many other obstacles to their owners.

What I face now does not compare with shopping lists, what clothes I might wear today, those who are or are not here to support me. What I face is my own mortality, staring down the barrel of a gun, wondering if it is loaded. I can face this loaded gun because there is an option, although scary, the only option left to me. The loaded gun I stare into is a soul destroying disease called Cystic Fibrosis, it is insidious, it is relentless but it also makes me who I am - it does not define me. I can continue to fight to live but my fight is pointless when Cystic Fibrosis makes me a prisoner in my own body; to comprehend that fine line when Cystic Fibrosis has become the definition of you, because it controls everything you can and cannot do. It can never take away a will to live, but it takes away most of what modern medicine can offer for any relief and makes a mockery of the effort you put in to win against such a formidable foe.

My story now changes as I face a new chapter in my life; without medical intervention, a double lung transplant, I can no longer fight to survive this disease. I have to realise that I have not failed myself. My dogged fight has brought me this far and although the next chapter is ominous, I believe it can bring me through the next chapter, as long as I continue to fight; as long as I replace negativity with positivity at every turn; take the hands which are outstretched to pick me up, to smile in the face of adversity and do what I have done best my entire life - to fight for something better, to fight for life because it is precious and should not be taken for granted. To know that I can do this, with the people who choose to take this journey with me, to forgive those who choose not to be a part of my journey because of their own fears, and to acknowledge that this has nothing to do with anything I failed to do.

To believe in the strength that has brought me through each hurdle I have faced, and to know when I cannot find that strength, others will find it for me and remind me of it.

Often I feel like this is a journey I have to face alone as most people cannot even begin to fathom it; the fear, the disappointment; I also know I have to have faith in the people who stand alongside me, with no knowledge of the path we travel but with a united front; to make sure I have all I need and more, in the form of love, words, support and an undying faith in my strength - that which, I often think fails me when I need it most.

© Leanne Demers 18th August, 2012